Thursday, 11 April 2013

TV Rocks!

TV really is the best invention, ever, if you are a mom. Well, I guess it's probably a great invention for everyone, but the benefits of tv really have shown through during my time on mat leave.
It was great for those late nights when you are up feeding (although the urge to purchase off the shopping channel was quite strong). It was so great when the little guy was in his swing sleeping and I could watch the ENTIRE series of 90210 (yes, I got up to 9 seasons and then it got weirdo when the original cast left). I think he really loved 90210, too, because on those (frequent) times he would wake during a pivotal episode, he would quietly watch, too. And then he just seemed so quiet that we would toss on another episode! Yay, Netflix!
TV comes in handy even just as a time-out...for mommys. Backyardigans, Thomas, Diego (not my choice), all really great babysitters...I mean...educational programming, that come in handy for cooking, cleaning, and Facebook updates. And maybe some Twitter reading. Of course, you can't forget Pintrest. It's also great on Saturday mornings when you just need to close your eyes at 6am, when your dear sweet son apparently doesn't need to sleep between the hours of 1am and 4am, and then proceeds with a rise and shine at dawn. There was one instance when I was so tired on a Saturday morning, that I actually fell in a DEEP SLEEP when my 1 year old was left unsupervised! Usually it's the 'mom sleep' of closing your eyes, but never getting anything restorative out of it. Probably why once you are a mom you always look like hell...because you actually NEVER sleep anymore. Either way, I must have dozed off for real because I jolted awake, just to find my child innocently playing on the carpet in front of me. I estimate it must have been a good hour of my being unconscious. The only damage done (beside the ever lasting side effects of being a terrible mother for not watching her small child) were a box of kleenx that apparently needed to be emptied, according to my son, and some Tupperware that made its way onto the floor. Which meant he was in the kitchen for some time, and that's a little concerning. Well, not really, actually, because if he could make his way around the kitchen, then I wouldn't even need to get OUT of bed on a saturday morning, and do what my parents did, which was make us forge for food until breakfast time with them.

Kids tv programming sucks for adults. Diego, Dora, Caillou, Thomas (don't get me started) is all so gay and whiny. I had to put a stop to this, immediately! I found Sesame Street on Netflix (which is even more amazing then I remembered...hi, look at all the celebrities they put on there now), and my favourite...Bugs Bunny. Amazing. Cartoon Network Retro plays episodes, and they are just so amazing. And the kid LOVES them! Who cares if he thinks its actually laugh out loud funny that Bugs shoots Elmer in the face with a cannon. Hilarious. Ya, jumping off a cliff will flatten you, especially if it's followed by an Anvil. Duh. Life lessons, people. And it's ok that the episodes we tape have 1-888 escort ads (because it's cartoon network, and they tape at 2am)'s just teaching our kid the birds and the bees early.
Caillou wishes he had the balls that Bugs does -and I bet he's jealous he doesn't get sex ads, too.

Thursday, 28 February 2013

Sleep Training

Sleep!! Beautiful glorious sleep!! Where are you, sleep? I know you are hiding. I know that you have left for now, and that one day you will come back to me. Don't let that baby screaming down the hall scare you away. You know where you and those fabulous counting sheep belong...with me, in La La Land.
I knew having a baby would mean less sleep. I just didn't know HOW MUCH I would miss it!

Before having my sweet little bundle of insomniac joy, I used to tell people 'I will TOTALLY do the Ferber method on my kid. Oh ya, it's the ONLY way to get a good night's sleep. You just shut the door, and let them know who's boss when it comes to 'bed time'.

Ya. Right.

So, when the time came where the doctor told us 'you can begin sleep training now', I just looked at my little darling and thought 'How could I ever leave him to cry, thinking I abandoned him in the middle of the night???'
Most of our friends were convincing us it was the right thing to do, my husband's colleagues were saying 'oh ya, you have to Ferberize them, or they will control you!'All these scary images were coming into my head about our son dictating our lives and us living in fear at the 15lbs human down the hall.
But something inside of me was telling me different. Instinctively I felt like it was wrong. I scoured baby sleep books (which, by the way, is how you make the REAL money!), internet, blogs, forums, doctors. I couldn't possibly be the first person who felt that leaving your infant to cry for hours on end was the right thing to do.
We even tried it! For one night, and I don't know who was crying more-me or him. He SCREAMED (see.Colic post) for hours. It didn't stop. It.just.wouldn't.stop.
I learned quickly that my son is 'Spirited' and sometimes sleep training doesn't work on these kids. Or if it does, it's just 'my parents abandoned me, and there's no point to cry' working.
I've heard other babies cry. Like, my friend was letting her daughter 'cry it out' and holy fuck-if mehh mehh wahhh is the crying she would have to listen to, then SIGN ME UP for sleep training. In my case, it sounds like the baby is fighting for his life with WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, ya, there's no fucking way.

Clearly, I had to go with my gut. And we did.I'm not going to say there wasn't lots of swearing in the middle of the night, when hubby and I were so tired, and not agreeing that tending to him was the right route to take (at 4am-no one knows what they are talking about), but in the end, the little guy did it all on his own. Yes, it took 8 months, and yes, there are still nights where we need to get up with him when he's sick or sad (like tonight, because I just jinxed saying he was sleeping again-more about jinx later), but at least he KNEW when he needed us, and when that tiny little guy was upset, he could count on his parents to make him feel better.

Because, when he's a toddler or small child and has a nightmare, am I going to just ignore his cries then? If he needs shoulder to cry on as he gets older, or wants to talk, am I going to say 'No, mommy's watching Dexter, go away'?? No, I will be there for him.

Here's a couple of things to know if you are going to sleep train (stupid Ferber).
North America is one of the only societies to do it. Most other societies actually sleep with their kids (I'm not really for that).
When they get sick, you have to sleep train all over again. Because when they are sick you should actually tend to them! If you don't then you are a monster
Teething also fucks up sleep training
Sleep training doesn't work on all babies, and sometimes it takes weeks before you find that out.

I'm not dictating what you should do (but I am going to say, don't push other parents just because YOU think it's right-my biggest piss off), but you should go with your gut. And both ways can be SO hard and taxing, but you have to do what's right for your family, and once you do, you will feel so much better about your decision.

Happy sleeping!!!

Saturday, 23 February 2013

Colic: God's sick joke

Imagine this:You are with your adorable 3 week old son at a friend's Birthday BBQ. You and hubby think 'We are SO urban and cool, here at this sans-kid party, being totally laid back with our party baby, being so hip and almost like we are parents but not parents'. Look at US friends!
And then it happens: uncontrollable, decibel piercing, crying.
It just started. Just like that. One minute baby there, super cute and sleeping in his little car seat amongst the party peeps-then screaming. Like, screaming like he was on fire. Like, screaming as if it was the only thing he ever learned and mastered, and he was doing it like it was his JOB. His million dollar job. Screaming like he was auditioning to be crazy screaming baby in movies...ok, you totally get it. SCREAMING.
Totally NOT cool family, right here.
So, we didn't know what to do! I mean, he's cried before. But he's been hungry, or tired, or the wind went in a wrong direction. Whatever. In 3 weeks, we had heard crying. But not random, and not when nothing would calm him down.
Luckily, one of our good friends is a Pediatrician, and he stepped in. After assessing the situation, he very officially told us 'Yep-could be Colic'. Said it like, so, 'Meh, it happens'. COLIC??? WTF?? That sounds terrible. We didn't even really knew what it was, but it sounded so scary....and LOUD! And sounded like people didn't want their babies to have this!
He tells me 'no, it's not serious'. Which is funny, because he also said it could last a few months, and ya, that's pretty fucking serious to me! Little dude was just LOSING it screaming, and it had only been 30 minutes. I can't take THAT times 90 days!
So, he didn't stop that night until finally Pediactric-friend held him. Then, he stopped. It was great, we got back to the party, all was good! Cool parents again! But then Pediactric friend had to go home, and going home meant putting baby down, and that didn't turn out so well.
In the 6 weeks (yes, 6 weeks), that baby DID have colic, it was only our good friend the Pediatrician friend, that made him stop crying. And it was only that ONE day. And don't think I didn't try to bribe Pediactric friend to come back to make all that crying shit stop! He wouldn't. Apparently the offer to come and live with us to hold a baby for 5 hours a night wasn't enticing. Whatever doctor dude.

ANYWAYS...I soon learned that the definition of colic is ' is a condition of a healthy baby in which it shows periods of intense, unexplained fussing/crying lasting more than 3 hours a day, more than 3 days a week for more than 3 weeks

Oh. And also that it FUCKING SUCKS! Now, I know that I didn't have it that bad in comparison. 6 weeks is better than a year, and 5 hours a day is better than 24 hours a day (yes, these cases DO exist). But it still is HELL.

We soon realized that after that shin-dig (where the crying started), our little angel would begin screaming (out of nowhere) at 7pm (witching hour), and continue uncontrollably until 12am. And then, just as it started, it would stop instantly. EVERY. FRIGGING. DAY.
What did we do in those 5 hours, you ask? Ohhhhh...welll....rocking, singing, feeding, bouncing, driving, swinging, humming, more bouncing, talking, whispering, shushing, outside, inside, crying (us), screaming (us), begging (us), nothing, everything.
It was hell. Pure hell.

So, one panicked day, knowing this would be starting again at 7pm, I desperately ran to the baby store near my house to see if they sold ANYTHING that would help this crazy shit stop.
The dude at the store had TOTALLY seen this scene before. Crazy and dischevled new mom bursting in and in tears asks 'what will make the noise stop????'. Totally would look like a crazy person if it wasn't a baby store, eh?
Man looks at me and says, well, we have this thing called a Moby Wrap, and maybe you can at least swaddle him in there to keep your hands free while he's crying.
Pure. Genius.
"Take me to this amazing product you speak of!" I tell him. And he does, and shows me the most expensive piece of jersey knit fabric I would ever buy. A Moby Wrap is like 15' of tshirt material that is just a strip of fabric. That's it. A long piece of fabric for like $100. Like, I could MAKE THIS for $5. I didnt' care. He thought it would help, and I would have spent $1000, for a break.

How it works, is, you have to do this funky wrap manoeuvre, around your body and then place the baby in this pocket you form in the front of you. After 30 minutes of a youtube video and practice with a teddy bear (thank god-cause the baby would have had a concussion from all those falls if we used him right away!), we put our bouncing baby boy in there when the Witching Hour fell upon us, and guess what....IT WORKED!! It did, it really really did! Sometimes it wouldn't work right away, but it always calmed him a bit, and at the very least, made it easy to walk around holding him. He would go in, and then eventually just fall asleep.

How did the Colic end, you are wondering? Well, one day, 7pm came (we were like crazy people in the evening, waiting for that hour to the end of the world was coming, and bracing ourselves for the impact to strike), and then the clock made it to 7:30pm, 8pm, 9pm....he didn't cry. He just continued to sleep. Then the next day, same thing. So on, and so on, until we could officially say 'no more colic' and not feel like we were going to jinx it. was so good. Life was so good. :)

Here is the best invention in the world, the Moby Wrap! Invented, I think, by little African women in the fields, and commercialized to rape consumers of their money, in the Western world. Who cares. It's amazing, and you should buy one.

Wha Happened???????

Soooooo....I'm not even going to try and pretend that I continued my blogs over the course of the past 20 months. I mean, I guess in theory, I could since no one is even reading them. I actually forgot I even had this blog! That's what sleep deprivation does to a person. You forget about blogs you write. Oh, and you also put your kettle in the fridge, and forget where you put your passport HOURS before leaving the country, and never find it again. Hypothetically, I mean.
So, you are probably eager to know, what HAPPENED in 20 months???? Is she still a Not-So-Perfect Mommy??? Did she ever end up caving in and begin breast feeding? Did the world really end as the Mayans predicted? Well...I guess you would know if that had happened if you are reading this, duh.(the correct answer to the Mayan question is 'no').
Anyways...the truth is...I'm not going to tell you. I'm going to write my blog, attempting to assemble the fragments of memories (again, sleep deprivation: spoiler alert-the sleeping does NOT go well for this mommy), and compose blogs based on those.
Lets see how this goes....
Oh, and thank you 60 people, who have read my posts this year. Unless that 60 is just my sister repeatedly logging in to be nice. Thanks Megan!!!

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Breastfeeding at age 6 (6 year old is the breastfeeder!)

WTF. A breastfeeding doll? Really? I'm speechless. Words cannot express just how stupid of an idea this is. Is this yet another way to commercialize something to do with babies, or are there really insane people who feel that marketing a doll for your child to mimic the act of breastfeeding is a good idea??? The manufacturer is Bebe Gloton out of Spain. The Spanish should know better. Ew-it even makes sucking noises! There is an apron that the child puts on with flowers where the nipples would be. Can you even imagine!!!??
On the Todaysparent Facebook page, a poll was created to see if moms would purchase such a doll. Thank god-most moms think it's just as much as an asinine idea as I do. However, there are a few wackos who not only would get this doll for their girl, but also for their son! Can you imagine? These moms feel that this would teach their sons that breasts are not sexual-merely a vehicle to feed the young. Talk about the mommy issues these boys will have when they are older and dating. These are probably the same wives who complain of lack of foreplay from their husbands. What's a guy to do???
Other moms commented that they wouldn't spend the money on this doll as their kids mimic breastfeeding on their own regular dolls. Clearly the moms who posted this are retarded and missing the point. The question is whether children should be mirroring such an act-not whether you would spend the money on a doll. Totally missing the bus on this one...
Plus, now you are also teaching your child that breastfeeding is the only way to feed a child. Talk about the emotional letdown if they can't breastfeed as an adult.
What's next: a Barbie that gives birth??? Or maybe kids can perform c-sections on their Care Bears!

Here's a link to the doll:

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Naked Time

Please, please explain to me why parents need to encourage their kiddies to have 'naked time' in the presence of others? I get if you want your kids to run around naked in the privacy of your own home (I get it-didn't say I would do it), but this past weekend I was at a function and two 2 year olds, from different families were running around naked-together! It's not that I'm a prude, it's that when you are 2, and not potty trained, and without a diaper, bad bad things happen. One of the kids stood on the communal picnic table and proceeded to piss all over everyone's items. Food, clothes, chairs. It was a disaster. Do you think that this incident encouraged the parents to put some friggen pants on their kid? Nope. Just let her continue to run around naked.
Not only do I not approve of naked kids in public for hygienic reasons, such as what was written above, but also for safety. We were outdoors. The kids fall. I feel like splinters or cuts and bruises will happen in itty bitty parts where there shouldn't be splinters and cuts. I mean, come on, they are 2! They trip walking on flat surfaces! Imagine grass and twigs and sand! Ugh-what a disaster.

Parents, a word of advice: keep the pants on your kid-before someone gets hurt...or pissed on!

Bedtime Reading

My brother-in-law was sweet enough to buy my infant son an impromptu present the other day. He figured that we needed to add to our bedtime reading collection, and knew that this book would be perfect for both mommy and baby.

The hardcover, 'Go The Fuck To Sleep', written by Adam Mansbach was the delightful tale that he presented to me for my son. Flipping through the pages, I almost died laughing! This book is perfect for anyone with kids-and a sense of humor. Below is a link to the book being read by Samuel L. Jackson, who is the PERFECT narrator for such a story.

I can't tell you how many times in the short 5 weeks that the same thoughts have gone through my mind when putting my little guy down. In fact, this blog was put on hold until the child finally went the fuck to sleep!