What the hell is it with Lactation consultants. Is that even a real job? Like what do these women even get paid?? I ended up having an emergency C-section for my son, which by the way, is a mom's best kept secret. Everyone tells you that vaginal (sorry-will try to not use that word again) birth is the way to go. Let's think about this. All my 'parts' are still intact, I didn't have to push anything out of them with the risk of getting stitches 'down there' or any of the other traumatizing thing that would require you to sitz bath until you are blue in the face. My scar is minimal (and very, very low), and the painkillers were awesome. I got to stay in the hospital for a week (two words: private room-it's a must!) which was like a mini vacation and people get to carry things for me for like 6 weeks! It's really very awesome, and the best part is, I can schedule-in baby #2 for next time. Wicked!
Anyways, due to the C-section, it is a little difficult to hold a baby to breastfeed after-especially if he's 9lbs and a giant! And the first few days, there isn't any milk. Nothing. Just colostrum which is before the milk and there is only like an 1/8 of a teaspoon available.
So I tried breastfeeding right away (since, like, 50 nurses were on my case to start it as soon as possible), as well as this skin to skin crap which i'm not even sure works. I'm sure my son at 16 will be thrilled to know that he lay naked with his mom all day when he was a baby.
On night 2, which we learned is also called 'hell night', our baby would not stop crying. It was terrible, and the worst noise ever. Ugh. I felt sorry for the little guy, but he needed to shut up. I'm sure the rest of the hospital felt the same way. We were actually told to go back to our room when we tried walking him around to quiet him, because he was waking all the other babies. Why was he crying? He was flipping hungry! He's 9lbs-don't you think we wants more than a teaspoon of food? Bullshit about his tummy being small and not needing more. That kid needed to eat. So finally after hours of screaming (both him and mommy), I begged the nurse for formula. You would think that I asked to throw my kid out in the dumpster. The judging look she gave me. Well excuse me if I want my child to be comfortable and stop crying! The audacity of her to limit what I fed him-5mL she told me was the max. Luckily for me the morning nurse (who wasn't 20 and actually had children unlike the breastfeeding nazi-night nurse) told me not to worry-you can't' overfeed an infant.
So, I fed him. And fed him, and fed him, and fed him some more. Jesus, this kid could eat. And he was happy. Now you tell me how that crappy little teaspoon was going to do that.
I swear, you would think that the fact I wasn't breastfeeding was sent out on Interpol. I had just about every nurse on staff, day in and day out, popping in my room to ask if I went to the breastfeeding clinic. Everyone touched, squeezed, and examined my boobs. Honestly, if the creepy guy that brought my hospital food asked to check, I probably would have let him at that point!
Then the so-called Lacation consultant came into my room (uninvited), and essentally made me feel like I was a failure of a mother because I wasn't breastfeeding. I told her that I was trying to pump (worst thing ever!) but the milk still hadn't come in. Apparantly she didn't care, and still thought that the teaspoon would be enough for my giant son who was at that point drinking 60mL of formula a feeding. Maybe she would like to listen to him scream bloody murder in the middle of the night for food.
She told me that I wasn't bonding with him, and to make feeding him formula hard so he wouldn't have nipple confusion (WTF??). Am I messing up my son for when he's 16 and dating? I don't want him to be confused and go for the wrong nipples!
She told me that the best way to breastfeed after a C-section is to sit on a stool on the floor (i'm not making this up), and lower the hospital bed all the way down. Lay him on the bed, and hold him in the 'football' hold to feed. Yes. Because that is really bonding with my son. As he is practically in another room as i'm feeding him sitting on the gross floor. So I kicked her out of my room. Enough was enough. I conceived the child, I bore him, and then I birthed him. I could do what I wanted with him (muhahaha) and some little twit of a Lactation consultant wasn't going to tell me what to do.
Jesus, like most of us were formula fed when we were born (love the 80's!) and we didn't die! Don't make me feel bad because mother nature doesn't want to let me breastfeed. I fucking hate it that these nurses make mothers feel so bad and so guilty, as if there aren't enough hormones flowing through your body to make you feel like crap and cry.
If any nurses are reading this, stop the insanity. Leave new mothers the fuck alone! If breastfeeding was intended to happen, I'm sure mommies would reach out to the necessary resources to make it happen instead of crying out 'code nipple' in the hospital for everyone and their mother to make you feel guilty for not doing it.
Ugh! FYI-it's been 3 weeks of pumping, herbal pill and perscription pill popping and the milk still has not come in. Take THAT, Lactation consultant bitch!
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